If you've ever lashed out against your abuser, it doesn't make you abusive here's why

Abuse in relationships whether verbal or physical might be more common than you think. Around one-third of women and one-fourth of men experience abuse including rape, violence, or stalking by their partner.

This article was medically reviewed by John Mutziger, LMHC, a sex and relationship therapist at the Long Island Institute of Sex Therapy.  Medically Reviewed Reviewed By Check Mark Icon A check mark. It indicates that the relevant content has been reviewed and verified by an expert Our stories are reviewed by medical professionals to ensure you get the most accurate and useful information about your health and wellness. For more information, visit our medical review board.

Redeem now

  • Reactive abuse happens when a victim lashes out against their abuser physically or verbally. 
  • Unlike with mutual abuse, reactive abuse only occurs after the victim is pushed to a breaking point.
  • The abuser may use the victim's reaction as a way to manipulate the narrative.

Abuse in relationships  — whether verbal or physical — might be more common than you think. 

This story is available exclusively to Business Insider subscribers. Become an Insider and start reading now.

Around one-third of women and one-fourth of men experience abuse including rape, violence, or stalking by their partner. 

Furthermore, around 47% of women and men report they have been emotionally abused or experienced aggression from an intimate partner. 

In certain cases, abuse can lead the victim to a breaking point where they have to result to self-defense. This is often referred to as  "reactive abuse" but for many reasons this term is frowned upon in the medical community and a more acceptable description is self defense.

What is 'reactive abuse' 

"Reactive abuse," aka self-defense, is a term used to describe the behavior when a victim of abuse reacts to their abuse in a self-defensive way. 

The victim might scream, say insults, or even physically harm their abuser, says Elizabeth Jarquin, a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice and adjunct professor at Northcentral University. 

The point here is that the victim is not instigating the abuse, they have reached a breaking point and are reacting to prolonged abuse.

Why the term 'reactive abuse' is dangerous

Abuse experts argue that the term "reactive abuse," while widely used, is harmful and dangerous for the victim because it labels both parties as mutual abusers.

Therefore, it suggests that the victim is suddenly part of the problem as opposed to someone who is sticking up for themselves, Wingfield says.

"There is nothing mutual about power and control. We call these responses 'self-defending' when a victim stands up to their abuser and says 'no more,'" says Debra Wingfield, a retired licensed professional counselor, and coercive control and domestic abuse expert, and founder of House of Peace.

Wingfield, who has 50 years of experience, says that another problem is how the abuser can use this term to their benefit. 

"Anytime you use the word 'abuse' with them, you're actually giving the abuser leverage to work against [the victim]," says Wingfield. 

For example, the abuser may flip the script and use this as "proof" that the victim is actually the abuser, or they will try to use it as an excuse to justify their own abuse, says Jarquin. 

Abuse in general is absolutely a red flag in relationships. 

What is the difference between self-defense and mutual abuse? 

In the case of mutual abuse, both partners are consistently abusive towards one another. 

"If mutual abuse is occurring, both parties are likely to repeat abusive behavior with others or outside of being abused themselves," says Katie Wenger, a licensed clinical social worker who specializes in relationships at Higher Fulfillment. 

On the other hand, if someone is self-defending in response to abuse:: 

  • The victim has no previous abusive tendencies: The main distinguishing point between mutual abuse and self-defense  is that if you remove the initial abuser and their behavior, the victim will not behave in any abusive way, says Wenger. 
  • The victim will feel guilt: The victim who is defending themself is able to acknowledge that they aren't behaving in a healthy way or behaving as themselves, Wenger says. 
  • The victim will never act first: In the case of self-defense, there's an abusive pattern that the victim experiences which causes them to immediately or somewhat immediately respond, Wenger says.  
  • The victim only starts this after a breaking point: The victim responds to their abuser because they're pushed to their limits."They are pushed so far that they can no longer take the abuse they are experiencing" Jarquin says.

It's important to be able to tell the difference between self-defense and mutual abuse so that the self-defending victim does not end up falling for the narrative that they're the abuser.

Signs  your abuser might be trying to use your self-defense against you

If you are a victim of abuse, it's important to be aware of signs that your abuser may try to use your self-defense against you as a way to change the narrative and potentially get you in trouble.. Here are five signs: 

  • The abuser purposely antagonizes you

    • The abuser will intentionally provoke their victim, not stopping until their partner reacts angrily or has some sort of outburst, says Jarquin. 

    For example, they might use any of the following verbal abuse tactics until the victim snaps: 

    2. The abuser antagonizes you in public

    While this can certainly occur behind closed doors, an abuser may try to get it to happen outside of closed doors. 

    "The abuser may do this in public areas so that others will witness the reaction and mistakenly believe that the victim has a problem, is unstable, and/or is an abuser," Jarquin says. 

    This is an attempt by the abuser to get others on their side, making it look like they aren't in the wrong in this situation. 

    3. The abuser cites "proof"

    When the victim defends themself in one way or another,, the abuser then has the "proof" they were hoping for of the victim's alleged abuse or misbehavior, Jarquin says. 

    This "proof" is stories that the abuser can tell others or hold against the victim. However, in some cases, an abuser may even try to take the opportunity to record a video of the self-defense as more tangible proof, Jarquin says. 

    Furthermore, the abuser uses the proof they have of the victim responding to justify their own abusive behaviors, says Jarquin. 

    4. The abuser plays the victim card

    "After the individual being abused has reacted to the prolonged abuse, the abuser will then flip the script and label themselves the victim," Jarquin says. 

    One example of this would be if an abuser has been physically aggressive and controlling throughout the whole duration of the relationship, and the victim has always stayed quiet so as to not make things worse. 

    But one day after months of dealing with this, if the abuser grabs the victim and starts insulting them and the victim pushes them away, causing them to fall, and yells at them, this is an instance where the abuser would play the victim card and claim their partner is abusive, says Jarquin. 

    This can affect the victim because the abuser may go and tell their partner's friends or family about what happened, making them think the other is actually the primary abuser, or even call the police to report the behavior.

    How to deal with reactive abuse

    If you don't take action, it's highly likely that these unhealthy relationship patterns will continue for the duration of the relationship, becoming increasingly dangerous, Wenger says. 

    To disengage and break the cycle, try the following:

  • Develop awareness: Wenger says you should try to be aware of when conflict is occurring for the sake of arguing or "baiting" reactive behavior, versus actually trying to resolve a real conflict.  
  • Get in touch with your feelings: Take note of how you feel physically and emotionally. "If you feel anger or stress internally escalating during a conflict or in reaction to statements from your partner, leave the situation if possible," Wenger says. 
  • Relieve your stress: When you remove yourself from the situation, try to do something soothing or comforting. Wenger suggests deep breathing, meditation, and journaling.
  • Don't lose your sense of self: Sadly, abuse can take a toll on your overall well-being. Be sure to engage in activities that confirm your identity and a positive view of yourself, Wenger says. 
  • Talk to someone you trust: After dealing with a fight or abuse, you may want to reach out to someone you trust to process your feelings and voice your concerns rather than reacting to your partner, Wenger says. This can prevent giving your abuser the satisfaction of you reacting to them, and them getting that "proof."
  • Work with a therapist: "Individual therapy is important to process your emotions, gain professional support, and maintain your sense of self," Wenger says.
  • Reach out to victim services: The best course of action to safely get out of an abusive relationship is to contact a victim service organization, says Wingfield. The professionals at these organizations have specialized training. You can reach out to a general organization like the National Domestic Violence Hotline, or search for more localized resources by searching your location and "victim services."

    • Insider's takeaway

    "Reactive abuse" is better described as self-defense because it's when a victim defends themself against an abuser.

    Ultimately, this scenario can be dangerous for the victim. If you are a victim of abuse, Wenger says it's important to let someone know what's happening, whether it's a trusted loved one, friend, family member, or healthcare professional. Don't suffer in silence. 

    To safely leave an abusive relationship, get the professional help of abuse experts at victim services. You can get immediate 24/7 assistance by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, texting "START" to 88788, or using their online chat.

    Correction: November 3, 2022 — An earlier version of this story used an outdated term when referring to self-defense. The term, "reactive abuse," describes when a victim of abuse responds to their abuser with screams, pushes, or similar acts. Self-defense is the medically accepted term for this behavior; calling it reactive abuse can harm the victim because it labels them as an abuser.

    Ashley Laderer Ashley Laderer is a freelance writer from New York who specializes in health and wellness. Follow her on Twitter @ashladerer Read more Read less

    ncG1vNJzZmivp6x7o8HSoqWeq6Oeu7S1w56pZ5ufonyowcidnKxnmJqurcDHaKqesF2nsq2t06Kmp6uYnr20e9GemJysmauybq3Brqqe

     Share!